Endings as Beginnings

I have lived in Two Harbors Minnesota for 11 years. There were some good times, some bad times, and a lot of self reflection along the way. I find myself now at the end of a cycle, a jumping off/on point.  I just wanted to jot down a few thoughts as I go through this process.

I am done with the Northland. Not that Northern Minnesota has any real peculiarity of culture that should cause most visitors and temporary residents to feel the level of disdain that I do.  Like most places that I have lived I leave feeling bitter. Why? Because I feel like, once again, I have tried to find a niche whereby I might fit in. I am beginning to see the problem I keep having has to do with my inability to cut another human some slack. People either piss me off with their shortcomings or bore me to death with their small talk. The problem is mine.

Theoretically I could stay here and make all the changes I need to my core being that would enable me to become a sought after member of the community. But it would take too long to rebuild all the bridges I have burned. I think I want to see how far I can make it into the jungles of South America. Who knows? Maybe I will like it and stay there. Maybe I will learn to appreciate what I have in the States?

Either way, I am having to let go of all of my earthly possession and attachments. No more leading a life of quiet desperation, trying to accumulate things I don't need to impress people I don't like.  I think I will have just enough money to get where I want to go and after that I refuse to even think about. The future from that point will just sort itself out.

My plan is to sell everything I have and bounce to Mexico. There I will have the rest of my teeth pulled and I might get uppers and lowers made, maybe. After that is done, I plan to go through Ibogaine treatment. I want to get straight, i.e., I am producing enough of my own dopamine/serotonin that I don't feel like a lethargic P.O.S. for weeks on end. So I am taking a short cut and giving this West African shrub bark derivative a go. Ibogaine is supposed to be like a cross between dengue fever and Judgment Day. I feel like I could use an intense period of self reflection without my ego getting in the way.

Especially in light of my next adventure. I want to go to Ecuador and experience Ayahuasca. I am kind of on a spirit quest you might say, because I want to speak with the inter-dimensional beings that people report seeing under the influence of this jungle brew. I figure if I want the answers to the questions I will pose of them I better get straight with the Universe and myself.