Today I found out that I deleted all of my pictures from the last 10 years and kept all of the music that I can now get for free. I guess I am doing things subconsciously the move me even closer to a vow of poverty and letting go of all of my attachments. I feel a genuine sense of loss, like natural disaster survivors who have had their dwellings and belongings destroyed.
Do pictures really serve the purpose of reminding us of our past or are they merely ways illustrate a story we tell others? I mean, I have the memories, incomplete as they may be, of the events in which I photographed. I never go through them to reminisce, rather I use them in electronic media as visual anchors to the story I am telling at the time. In my day to day life pictures are a visual database.
It would be nice to have them back. I guess I could hunt down a data recovery program or two and spend a day getting back some files. But to what end? Some misguided notion that I will live on as a meme in people's minds after I die if I leave this collection of pics and posts. Maybe for 40 years after I die, but in the end those who knew me directly will pass on, the link will be broken, and my data in cloud will lose much of its meaning.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Endings as Beginnings
I have lived in Two Harbors Minnesota for 11 years. There were some good times, some bad times, and a lot of self reflection along the way. I find myself now at the end of a cycle, a jumping off/on point. I just wanted to jot down a few thoughts as I go through this process.
I am done with the Northland. Not that Northern Minnesota has any real peculiarity of culture that should cause most visitors and temporary residents to feel the level of disdain that I do. Like most places that I have lived I leave feeling bitter. Why? Because I feel like, once again, I have tried to find a niche whereby I might fit in. I am beginning to see the problem I keep having has to do with my inability to cut another human some slack. People either piss me off with their shortcomings or bore me to death with their small talk. The problem is mine.
Theoretically I could stay here and make all the changes I need to my core being that would enable me to become a sought after member of the community. But it would take too long to rebuild all the bridges I have burned. I think I want to see how far I can make it into the jungles of South America. Who knows? Maybe I will like it and stay there. Maybe I will learn to appreciate what I have in the States?
Either way, I am having to let go of all of my earthly possession and attachments. No more leading a life of quiet desperation, trying to accumulate things I don't need to impress people I don't like. I think I will have just enough money to get where I want to go and after that I refuse to even think about. The future from that point will just sort itself out.
My plan is to sell everything I have and bounce to Mexico. There I will have the rest of my teeth pulled and I might get uppers and lowers made, maybe. After that is done, I plan to go through Ibogaine treatment. I want to get straight, i.e., I am producing enough of my own dopamine/serotonin that I don't feel like a lethargic P.O.S. for weeks on end. So I am taking a short cut and giving this West African shrub bark derivative a go. Ibogaine is supposed to be like a cross between dengue fever and Judgment Day. I feel like I could use an intense period of self reflection without my ego getting in the way.
Especially in light of my next adventure. I want to go to Ecuador and experience Ayahuasca. I am kind of on a spirit quest you might say, because I want to speak with the inter-dimensional beings that people report seeing under the influence of this jungle brew. I figure if I want the answers to the questions I will pose of them I better get straight with the Universe and myself.
I am done with the Northland. Not that Northern Minnesota has any real peculiarity of culture that should cause most visitors and temporary residents to feel the level of disdain that I do. Like most places that I have lived I leave feeling bitter. Why? Because I feel like, once again, I have tried to find a niche whereby I might fit in. I am beginning to see the problem I keep having has to do with my inability to cut another human some slack. People either piss me off with their shortcomings or bore me to death with their small talk. The problem is mine.
Theoretically I could stay here and make all the changes I need to my core being that would enable me to become a sought after member of the community. But it would take too long to rebuild all the bridges I have burned. I think I want to see how far I can make it into the jungles of South America. Who knows? Maybe I will like it and stay there. Maybe I will learn to appreciate what I have in the States?
Either way, I am having to let go of all of my earthly possession and attachments. No more leading a life of quiet desperation, trying to accumulate things I don't need to impress people I don't like. I think I will have just enough money to get where I want to go and after that I refuse to even think about. The future from that point will just sort itself out.
My plan is to sell everything I have and bounce to Mexico. There I will have the rest of my teeth pulled and I might get uppers and lowers made, maybe. After that is done, I plan to go through Ibogaine treatment. I want to get straight, i.e., I am producing enough of my own dopamine/serotonin that I don't feel like a lethargic P.O.S. for weeks on end. So I am taking a short cut and giving this West African shrub bark derivative a go. Ibogaine is supposed to be like a cross between dengue fever and Judgment Day. I feel like I could use an intense period of self reflection without my ego getting in the way.
Especially in light of my next adventure. I want to go to Ecuador and experience Ayahuasca. I am kind of on a spirit quest you might say, because I want to speak with the inter-dimensional beings that people report seeing under the influence of this jungle brew. I figure if I want the answers to the questions I will pose of them I better get straight with the Universe and myself.
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